One
oft-repeated comment said in support of Donald Trump in the early days of his
campaign was, “I like him because he says what I think.” What does that imply
now that his sexually demeaning and predatory history has surfaced for the
whole world to hear?
Naturally, our
immediate response is to distance our self from such reprehensible speech and
behavior. But I want to specifically ask the men – how much of our outrage is
about him? And how much of it is about us and our life in the world of men?
I would like
to offer a quote from a senior teacher in the Shambhala Buddhist tradition,
Acharya Fleet Maull. He points out, "One
of the greatest psychological insights that human beings have ever come up with
is that the stuff that bothers us in other people is the most accurate and
direct window into our own stuff that we can ever possibly want.” To that I
would add, “So isn’t there at least a little Trump inside us all?”
From the
point of view of our self-respect, dignity and virtue, this is difficult to
swallow. The majority of men abhor the idea that they are anything like Trump, even
if only to an infinitesimal degree. Yet I think it is to our benefit to
consider it carefully. I don’t want to be jailed as a whistleblower on the male
subculture, but whether it is by design or purely due to karma, most men have
been swimming in this sea of female objectification for their entire lifetime. We’ve
been lobbied to accept this purported natural order of things ever since we were
little boys. We heard it from the mouths of society’s dissolute as well as from
the big fish (the alpha-males and the sons of alpha-males.) We less-macho fish
have been schooling in the shallows, trying to avoid hearing and repeating
those odious messages, but very few of us come out unscathed.
I doubt that
most women are shocked by this. Anyone who pays attention knows that most women
have encountered this abuse and ill-conceived, ill-sanctioned, male privilege and
violence throughout their lives. Yet, so many men – yes, even the good men who
are your husbands, boyfriends, sons and brothers – are loathe to admit to such
thoughts and acts that have been sanctioned and condoned by other males.
But it’s in
us. It’s like bacteria that are deeply enfolded in our guts, and it’s going to
take multiple rounds of antibiotics to get healthy. In other words, our problem
is going to keep showing up. Somehow, this reminds me of all the home movies
and photos I appear in as a child, in which I am endlessly calling out for
attention. I no longer have a defense for being one of the earliest photo
bombers in modern history – always making faces, wearing bizarre hats, clowning
and moping about – but I don’t really don’t know what compelled me to act out
and be so annoying.
When the family
gathers around these photos (which is always embarrassing) I say, “I don’t know
what made me that way. I am a victim of
circumstances!” So was I not loved enough? Was it karma from a past life? It’s
a joke, but it is also true; we all have an inheritance that we didn’t ask for.
Why do I
bring up this anecdote? Because we are not always in control of our
circumstances. For instance, my parents were gentle and kind; and so were my
brother and sisters; and so was my best friend – everyone looked over me. But
when I was a young, there were also children for whom a dark light was already
burning within them. So, yes…I was there, watching, when WL fed a captured box
turtle a lit firecracker; I was there when JT told his girlfriend to remove her
shirt, and we all felt her breasts; I was there when my friend WM got beat up
and kicked in the face with a heavy leather boot, and I didn’t do anything
because I was afraid. These are the things that happen along the way, as we
move from being a boy to a man. For the entire journey, we are challenged with
what to do and what not to do; knowing what’s right, and what’s wrong.
Hopefully, somewhere along the way, we figure out what is moral, and have
enough good examples to guide us.
The three
vignettes I just mentioned, still
make me sad. I still feel shame that
I did the wrong thing – even when I wasn’t a participant, but just watching
from the shadows. Still, for many young men, my confessions appear rather tepid,
for they might have grown up in a world where the power of misguided,
destructive male energy had no limitations on horrifics.
Whether it is
me, Father Anyname, or Donald Trump, we all started as guppies, swimming with piranhas
in rivers of violence, misogyny and racism – the unholy Trinity. And boy, are
we seeing the effects of that in our culture! The truth has arisen with a
vengeance. It is all over the news, coming to us with a frequency we could have
never imagined a few years ago: Blacks in America being killed for routine traffic
violations – or for selling single cigarettes outside a store? A presidential candidate, talking about
grabbing ‘pussies’?
Which ring of
Dante’s hell are we in?
I promise you
that there are lots of men across America who are experiencing much fear and
shame due to the national media exposure of Donald Trump’s sexual predation. Add
to that, Billy Bush’s indefensible complicity, and you’ve got a snapshot of the
culture of men that has been overtly and tacitly condoning objectification of
women for centuries.
For men, this
is a bone-chilling wake-up call because we don’t want this magnifying glass on
us.Of course, since we didn’t want it and feared the truth of it, it came to us
anyway. What we are all getting now is a dose of forced mindfulness. Due to
ignorance and self-deception, we are now faced with the demand to pay
attention. A lot more attention. We just can’t live in a world of Cosbys, Clintons,
and Trumps—plus revelations of African-Americans being murdered by police every
few days—and not take responsibility for our complicity, whether deserved or
undeserved; whether huge or infinitesimal.
As music
magnate, Russell Simmons posted on FB, “Things are not getting worse, they are
getting uncovered. We must hold each other tight and continue to pull back the
veil.” As horrifying as it may be, what’s been on the news is one of the best things
that has ever happened to us. Whether it is the detestable words and actions of
Trump, or the body cameras and civilians’ cell phone videos of police killing
unarmed black man, the world is demanding that we own up and wake up.
Taking
responsibility means taking the vow to be more and more mindful; to have mindfulness
without limit. It may seem like a mild and inadequate antidote, but being
mindful and aware, not ignorant or oblivious, is critical. We can’t be whole
and healthy without owning up to what is buried inside us.
Finally, with
regard to misogyny, sexism and the sins of ourselves and our fathers, I would
like to suggest that we confess. That
may sound like a fabulously antiquated notion, but confession is a way for us
to peel back and ventilate our camouflaged shame. I’m not talking about
confessing to a priest…I’m suggesting we take heartfelt ownership of the world
we have inherited by confessing, with great tenderness, to someone who truly
loves us and who we feel safe with. Even if it’s about something that happened
40 years ago. We have to gain forgiveness. As Robert Bly says, “It’s all right
if you grow your wings on the way down.”
Russell
Simmons’s quote reminds us that so many sins of the world are finally becoming
revealed, and there is more to come. If we can hold tight, with love, we can
get ourselves free of the hidden shame that numbs us into fear and inaction. We
all know what tough love is; this is tough mindfulness, and there is no way
out.
Women and
men: What are your thoughts about this? They are important. Please share.
© 2016 Alan Kent Anderson
© 2016 Alan Kent Anderson