Friday, October 28, 2016

BLOG #9 The Little Trump Inside Us All

One oft-repeated comment said in support of Donald Trump in the early days of his campaign was, “I like him because he says what I think.” What does that imply now that his sexually demeaning and predatory history has surfaced for the whole world to hear?

Naturally, our immediate response is to distance our self from such reprehensible speech and behavior. But I want to specifically ask the men – how much of our outrage is about him? And how much of it is about us and our life in the world of men?

I would like to offer a quote from a senior teacher in the Shambhala Buddhist tradition, Acharya Fleet Maull. He points out, "One of the greatest psychological insights that human beings have ever come up with is that the stuff that bothers us in other people is the most accurate and direct window into our own stuff that we can ever possibly want.” To that I would add, “So isn’t there at least a little Trump inside us all?”

From the point of view of our self-respect, dignity and virtue, this is difficult to swallow. The majority of men abhor the idea that they are anything like Trump, even if only to an infinitesimal degree. Yet I think it is to our benefit to consider it carefully. I don’t want to be jailed as a whistleblower on the male subculture, but whether it is by design or purely due to karma, most men have been swimming in this sea of female objectification for their entire lifetime. We’ve been lobbied to accept this purported natural order of things ever since we were little boys. We heard it from the mouths of society’s dissolute as well as from the big fish (the alpha-males and the sons of alpha-males.) We less-macho fish have been schooling in the shallows, trying to avoid hearing and repeating those odious messages, but very few of us come out unscathed.

I doubt that most women are shocked by this. Anyone who pays attention knows that most women have encountered this abuse and ill-conceived, ill-sanctioned, male privilege and violence throughout their lives. Yet, so many men – yes, even the good men who are your husbands, boyfriends, sons and brothers – are loathe to admit to such thoughts and acts that have been sanctioned and condoned by other males.

But it’s in us. It’s like bacteria that are deeply enfolded in our guts, and it’s going to take multiple rounds of antibiotics to get healthy. In other words, our problem is going to keep showing up. Somehow, this reminds me of all the home movies and photos I appear in as a child, in which I am endlessly calling out for attention. I no longer have a defense for being one of the earliest photo bombers in modern history – always making faces, wearing bizarre hats, clowning and moping about – but I don’t really don’t know what compelled me to act out and be so annoying.

When the family gathers around these photos (which is always embarrassing) I say, “I don’t know what made me that way. I am a victim of circumstances!” So was I not loved enough? Was it karma from a past life? It’s a joke, but it is also true; we all have an inheritance that we didn’t ask for.

Why do I bring up this anecdote? Because we are not always in control of our circumstances. For instance, my parents were gentle and kind; and so were my brother and sisters; and so was my best friend – everyone looked over me. But when I was a young, there were also children for whom a dark light was already burning within them. So, yes…I was there, watching, when WL fed a captured box turtle a lit firecracker; I was there when JT told his girlfriend to remove her shirt, and we all felt her breasts; I was there when my friend WM got beat up and kicked in the face with a heavy leather boot, and I didn’t do anything because I was afraid. These are the things that happen along the way, as we move from being a boy to a man. For the entire journey, we are challenged with what to do and what not to do; knowing what’s right, and what’s wrong. Hopefully, somewhere along the way, we figure out what is moral, and have enough good examples to guide us.

The three vignettes I just mentioned, still make me sad. I still feel shame that I did the wrong thing – even when I wasn’t a participant, but just watching from the shadows. Still, for many young men, my confessions appear rather tepid, for they might have grown up in a world where the power of misguided, destructive male energy had no limitations on horrifics.

Whether it is me, Father Anyname, or Donald Trump, we all started as guppies, swimming with piranhas in rivers of violence, misogyny and racism – the unholy Trinity. And boy, are we seeing the effects of that in our culture! The truth has arisen with a vengeance. It is all over the news, coming to us with a frequency we could have never imagined a few years ago: Blacks in America being killed for routine traffic violations – or for selling single cigarettes outside a store?  A presidential candidate, talking about grabbing ‘pussies’?

Which ring of Dante’s hell are we in?

I promise you that there are lots of men across America who are experiencing much fear and shame due to the national media exposure of Donald Trump’s sexual predation. Add to that, Billy Bush’s indefensible complicity, and you’ve got a snapshot of the culture of men that has been overtly and tacitly condoning objectification of women for centuries.

For men, this is a bone-chilling wake-up call because we don’t want this magnifying glass on us.Of course, since we didn’t want it and feared the truth of it, it came to us anyway. What we are all getting now is a dose of forced mindfulness. Due to ignorance and self-deception, we are now faced with the demand to pay attention. A lot more attention. We just can’t live in a world of Cosbys, Clintons, and Trumps—plus revelations of African-Americans being murdered by police every few days—and not take responsibility for our complicity, whether deserved or undeserved; whether huge or infinitesimal.

As music magnate, Russell Simmons posted on FB, “Things are not getting worse, they are getting uncovered. We must hold each other tight and continue to pull back the veil.” As horrifying as it may be, what’s been on the news is one of the best things that has ever happened to us. Whether it is the detestable words and actions of Trump, or the body cameras and civilians’ cell phone videos of police killing unarmed black man, the world is demanding that we own up and wake up.

Taking responsibility means taking the vow to be more and more mindful; to have mindfulness without limit. It may seem like a mild and inadequate antidote, but being mindful and aware, not ignorant or oblivious, is critical. We can’t be whole and healthy without owning up to what is buried inside us.

Finally, with regard to misogyny, sexism and the sins of ourselves and our fathers, I would like to suggest that we confess. That may sound like a fabulously antiquated notion, but confession is a way for us to peel back and ventilate our camouflaged shame. I’m not talking about confessing to a priest…I’m suggesting we take heartfelt ownership of the world we have inherited by confessing, with great tenderness, to someone who truly loves us and who we feel safe with. Even if it’s about something that happened 40 years ago. We have to gain forgiveness. As Robert Bly says, “It’s all right if you grow your wings on the way down.”

Russell Simmons’s quote reminds us that so many sins of the world are finally becoming revealed, and there is more to come. If we can hold tight, with love, we can get ourselves free of the hidden shame that numbs us into fear and inaction. We all know what tough love is; this is tough mindfulness, and there is no way out.

Women and men: What are your thoughts about this? They are important. Please share.

© 2016 Alan Kent Anderson

2 comments:

  1. My thoughts are certainly provoked. I am being reminded of sore spots growing up as a girl and woman and constantly being subject to male sexist verbal abuse. Niw I remember how much I 'hate' them. Ha!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes. Sexist abuse is buried deep inside and no one wants to remember it...it's too painful and we have no way as a culture to address it yet. I believe that time is no longer so far away...all these Trump revelations are hopefully bringing it out in the open. There is much work to do.

      Delete